Roker Ramble: The Premier League is back! Are you excited? Nope? I did not think


The Premier League is back!

Because it’s the only league that matters, isn’t it? It’s nothing – nothing – to do with Sunderland no longer having a place at the top of the table I couldn’t be less excited about.

What’s it going to be this year? Manchester United fans are demanding the removal of Ten Hag after picking up five points in their first three games? What about Arsenal fans, 86% of whom have Youtube channels, crying out for Arteta’s header after picking up… five points in their opening three games?

And the Spurs? Best in September. Tenth in December.

And Liverpool? In which month will Jurgen Klopp make a coy, passive-aggressive comment about fixture congestion and fairness that’s rooted in complete bullshit?

When too, you might be wondering, will David Moyes attack a ball boy as his side defend 1-0?

Perhaps Fulham, who have just bounced back from their yo-yo in the divisions, will realize that despite signing 473 players, Marco Silva is unable to turn them into a functional unit and find themselves short of wingers in good shape ? Or maybe Mitrovic will manage to score more than six goals this campaign?

How long will it be before a men’s football pundit makes a rude and ill-conceived comment to one of England’s Lionesses, who are making their Super Sunday studio debut?

Then we have Everton, whose fans should have precisely zero hope ahead of the new season. A transfer policy that’s like watching a Yorkshire terrier slip on a bunch of bowling pins and get strapped into a roller coaster, you just know it’s going to end badly.

We all know that Frank – the man known only by his first name – will be the first manager to put his head on the dreaded managerial chopping block (or will he walk the plank?).

I look a little too happy there, Frank
Photo by Visionhaus/Getty Images

And who will be the first to be hit by a projectile from the crowd? My money’s on the aforementioned Klopp – the man whose face appears to be approaching terminal velocity – will be the one to “kop” him as his nonsensical sideline assignments reach a ridiculous crescendo.

How did I get this far without mentioning Newcastle? Well, I think we all know this is the season when the cracks will start to show in the disgusting threesome currently underway between PIF, Staveley and the Cartoon Army.

Love-in is something that you would absolutely place in the “fetish” category. God…every time I have to watch their club, I have to go into incognito mode on google chrome.

Still, I have a hunch some bald, grown dudes from Geordie will be attending the game in March with black duct tape on the back of their shirts to hide the name “STAVELEY”, which is how things went downhill.

Richard Keys takes credit for Lionesses’ success

Of course he does.

In a barely believable blog post (Who’s blogging these days, seriously? Or am I just offline? Don’t we all get angrier and angrier on Twitter or something, before we’re forced to an embarrassing run?) Keys suggested his comments about Sian Massey were the catalyst for change in football.

In reality, Keys taking credit for England’s Euro triumph is like Harvey Weinstein taking credit for the #metoo movement.

Ricky, buddy, when you are the problem, then you can’t take credit for it? Maybe you should check out last week’s Ramble?

Although he tried to make it look like he was congratulating the team on their success, Keys took precisely eight words to say “my”. Maybe he was trying to pretend he wasn’t going to do everything for him.

Well, he did.

“Lionesses – You Changed Everything” vomited the title. Yet, a few paragraphs later, he ranted that he had remained silent about their success so far because some nasty people on the internet had been sharing memes of him.

A collection of ridiculous words

So what Keys is saying is that her shameful behavior all those years ago was the watershed moment for women’s football. Doesn’t that highlight the way you behaved, perhaps? What an absolute martyr. Pray for Richard.

Of course, I don’t subscribe to his blogs or anything like that – I just see him on social media; I don’t click on what he has to say because I’m really interested. Like everyone else, I’m only here for the comments…which were mostly centered around his “you broke it” snafu; however, they remain strangely absent from the blog in question.

His ramblings are available to read here at What does AJ stand for Rich? Absolute joke?

The best thing about his blog is that at the bottom it says the blog itself is “Designed by a great online reputation”…which, given the content of said blog, is gloriously ironic.

Calm down Richard. This. Has been. Just. To joke.

Soccer - England Umbro Kit Launch

Wait… the mic was live?
Photo by Tony Marshall/EMPICS via Getty Images


Someone in Southend really should have taken a minute to think about this one.

It’s hard to get too much hilarious capital from one of the nation’s most notorious and prolific mass murderers, but I’m going to have a blast.

Ahead of the new season, the Shrimpers agreed to sell the naming rights to part of their land to local realtors Gilbert and Rose.

If only it was the East Stand. If only. Unfortunately, as we’ve all probably seen, it was the West Stand – which would become the Gilbert and Rose West Stand.

And here we have arguably the worst PR decision since Susan Boyle’s management announced details of her new album with the hashtag #susanalbumparty.

Perhaps in many ways, Gilbert and Rose did great marketing – knowing that their business would be in the national spotlight. A real mistake without bad intention and without return. It’s not like they employ West to do their administration or do house calls.

The stand was previously called the Paul Robinson West Stand which is much better in my opinion. Naming him after the first villain of the now defunct Australian soap opera Neighbor is a much better choice.

However, the fact that no one really noticed is amazing.

Plus, the solution is simple – why not just call it the Gilbert and Rose booth?

News in brief

  • Following England’s triumph at Wembley this weekend, demand for WSL tickets has skyrocketed. Brighton, for example, have sold more season tickets since Saturday compared to all of last season. Internationally, England’s friendly against the United States in October was over in 24 hours.
  • In terrible news for morons who boo the knee before games (for reasons they don’t understand, have lived experience or the intellect to think independently about the matter), the Premier League has announced that the practice will be limited to certain times of the season. This includes the opening matches, Boxing Day and the FA Cup Final.
  • The circus is already in full swing at Old Trafford, as Cristiano Ronaldo, the world’s most expensive millstone, left his side’s friendly against Rayo Vallecano at half-time. “I certainly don’t condone that. This is unacceptable. For everyone. We are a team and we have to stay until the end, ”said Erik Ten Hag, who is no doubt increasingly worried about the second largest clown car club in the North West (behind Everton).

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